October
by Yanagi-sen
Summary: Part 3 up! The blond tried to read something in the other’s eyes… but they were carefully blank. Not even angry... rating for language
1. October

**_October_**

By Yanagi-sen

WK songfic

Usual disclaimers, etc etc etc…  Song's by Evanescence and entitled, "October".

Warnings: angst, POV switching. language

**_I can't run anymore,_**

There was just something about watching the German dance.  He moved as if he didn't care that dozens of people were watching, as if the eyes on him, devouring him, didn't disturb him at all.  He danced as if he was the only one in the room.

Youji couldn't quite understand that kind of thinking.  He was always aware of who was watching, how they were watching, and he moved accordingly.  But Schuldich…

The redhead turned suddenly, and their eyes met.

The blond tried to read something in the other's eyes… but they were carefully blank.  Not even angry.  He jerked his head toward the stairway… the one that ended up on the club's flat room.  The German nodded.  Without looking back, Youji left the dance floor.

**_I fall before you._**

**_Here I am._**

**_I have nothing left._**

He inhaled, feeling the burn.  Two years smoke free and now he was back at it again.  Oh well, health was overrated anyways.

"You look like shit."

Youji snorted and half-turned, looking over his shoulder.  "Up close, you don't look so hot yourself."

"Well now that the niceties have been exchanged, give me a cigarette."  The redhead stalked over, and stole the blonde's pack, shaking loose one of the white cylinders.

"I thought you quit a long time ago."

"I started again."  He borrowed Youji's lighter too, then set both on the low wall, leaning over the edge.  They were silent for a few minutes, just smoking and watching the lights and street below.  "So why the hell did you come looking for me?"

**_Though I've tried to forget,_**

**_You're all that I am._**

"I… I think… we made a mistake."

The redhead swore sharply in his native tongue.  He flicked the butt of the cigarette to the floor, grinding it out with his heel.  "You're the one who decided to leave.  Not me."  He was really pissed at Youji.  The blond had just up and gone without explanation nearly a month ago and now he was crawling back.

A small voice inside, one that he generally tried to ignore, reminded Schu that this is why he was so fucked in the first place.

**_Take me home,_**

**_I'm through fighting it._**

**_Broken, Lifeless,_**

**_I give up._**

"Schu… I… I know I left without really giving you a reason…"

"Well no shit.  I come home from work and find what?  An empty fucking apartment.  Your stuff was all gone, but did you bother to even leave me a fucking note?"

"Schuldich…"

"What?!  You're gonna tell me your sorry?  That's not gonna cut it, Youji."

The blond sighed.  He turned around and sat, leaning back against the wall.  His fingers twitched toward the pack of cigarettes again… but he resisted the urge to light up another one.  "I know I was wrong, alright?  I fucked up.  I know it.  I just… I can't do this shit anymore…"

"What shit?"  The German stayed standing, leaning on his elbows on the wall.  He could watch Youji out of the corner of his eye, but didn't REALLY have to look at him.

"Everything.  The jobs, the killing, the… everything."

**_You're my only strength._**

**_Without you,_**

**_I can't go on,_**

**_Anymore, Ever again_**

"You think I like the crap I have to do now?  I was a member of Schwarz.  We were the best.  We were on the top… we could have had the world…  Then we just HAD to grow a conscience.  Now the only jobs I seem to get are working for foreigners or yakuza."

"But you told me Brad had a plan for afterward."

"Brad…"  He practically spit out the name.  "Brad dumped me like yesterday's trash."  He turned and dropped down to sit next to Youji.  "Mr. Bradley Crawford took off a couple months ago."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be.  That sorry sonavabitch hadn't given me the time of day for over a year.  He's busy rebuilding a new incarnation of Esset."

"You're kidding…"

"No.  Don't worry; he lost his chance to rule the world.  They aren't going to be causing that level of trouble again for at least a half a dozen generations.  It's going to take that long to replace all the psis that were killed."

"But if he left… you're alone now…"

"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock."

**_My only hope (All the times I've tried)_**

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean…"

"I know.  Sorry, I snapped.  It's a sore subject, you know."  A note of contrition entered his voice.

The blond sighed.  "Sometimes I wish we could just go back and do so many things over…"

"Yeah… I know what you mean."

"We had to stop you.  We couldn't let you guys go on hurting people the way you were."

"Oh please… you make it sound like some of them didn't deserve it."

**_My only peace (To walk away from you)_**

"Besides… you did your best to stop us… we did our best to kill you… It's in the past.  Leave it there."  This was why he hadn't wanted to get into this with Youji.  The guy was fucking depressing when he got into these 'moods'.  Wasn't it enough that Brad had ripped his heart out… now he had to let Youji try for it too?

**_My only joy, My only strength, (I fall into your abounding grace)_**

Youji shook his head.  "Nobody wins."  Giving into the temptation… he pulls another cigarette out of the pack.  "You want another?"

"Why the hell not?  It's not like I give a damn tonight."

"Tonight?  I haven't been able to give a damn for a long time."  He wasn't lying… not that he really COULD lie to Schuldich.  He was so sick of everything.  He was totally burnt out.  The only thing he had left that might be worth saving was sitting next to him.

**_My only power, My only life,_**

**_(And love is where I am) My only love._**

"Ditto here.  Did you ever notice… nobody ever really wins?"  Not in this life anyways.  Well… that wasn't entirely true.  Brad seemed to have managed to win, the bastard.

**_I can't run anymore._**

There was another moment of awkward silence.  The redhead tilted his head back, looking up into the faintly glowing sky.  Damn cities… could never see the stars.  "you know… I'm really sick of running away from you, just because you want me to."

He drew in another breath of choking, nicotine-laden smoke.  Nagi was going to take one whiff and kick his ass.  Ah well… at least he'd get some reaction out of the kid.  If he had taken Crawfish's abandonment badly, the Japanese boy had been devastated.  Nags was finally starting to come around, now if only he could get the kid to come out of his room for something other than an occasional meal…

**_I give myself to you,_**

**_I'm sorry, I'm sorry._**

"I never asked you to do that…"  Youji sounded perplexed.

"Maybe not out loud… but that's what you were thinking…"

"You know, Schu… There is a reason we don't say everything we think.  Some of us don't try to control our every thought, afraid that some rogue telepath is going to take everything right out of our mind."

"I didn't have to… your subconscious was practically screaming…"

"Subconscious… did you listen you what you just said, dumbass.  That's not something I have a lot of control over."

**_In all my bitterness,_**

**_I ignored all that's real and true._**

Schuldich snorted.  "I should have really listened to myself instead of you."

"Gee thanks… that's really nice.  And what were YOU telling yourself."

The redhead didn't answer, staring up at the hazy sky above.

**_All I need is you._**

**_When night falls on me,_**

**_I'll not close my eyes._**

Finally the blond just shook his head.  "We're so fucked up… I'm tired of being like this."

**_I'm too alive,_**

**_And you're too strong._**

"Aren't we all?"  

**_I can't lie anymore,_**

**_I fall down before you._**

**_I'm sorry, I'm sorry._**

"So what do we do?"  The blond shook the last cigarette from the pack, and offered it to Schuldich, who waved it off.  Youji shrugged and lit it.  This was the last one… he had sworn he wasn't going to buy another pack.  At least, not tonight.  He was pissed with himself for starting up smoking again anyways.  It had been hell to quit the first time.  And now he was going to have to go through all that again.

He felt like he was falling and falling… down into some deep, dark hole, which he'd never be able to climb out of again.

**_My only hope (All the times I've tried)_**

**_My only peace (To walk away from you)_**

**_My only joy, My only strength,(I fall into your abounding grace)_**

**_My only power, My only life,_**

**_(And love is where I am) My only love._**

The redhead watched as Youji smoked the last of his cigarettes.  The blonde's body was lanky, displayed by his snug clothing.  But there was something off… Youji was a shade too thin… a touch too angular… reminded Schu of how Nagi looked.  Obviously the man wasn't eating enough.  His hands were trembling slightly as he raised the cigarette to his lips, which could mean any number of things.  Lines of exhaustion etched Youji's face.  He watched as those deceptively strong fingers finally flicked the butt away to skitter across the roof.

This was a man who had lived fast and hard and was now close to being no more than an empty husk.  He could let that happen… just walk away and let Youji go down in his blaze of glory.  Killed on some mission or by his own excesses early some morning.  He could step away, wash his hands and let fate do as she would.

But he didn't want to… and that simple fact more than anything had made him follow the blond to the roof when the day before all he had wanted to do was throttle Youji on sight.  So now that he knew what HE wanted… would the other assassin follow his lead?

He turned to look at Youji fully, finally answering his question.  "What do you want?  I know what I want…"

**_Constantly ignoring the pain consuming me._**

**_But this time it's cut too deep._**

**_I'll never stray again._**

Green eyes met for a long moment.  "I'm too fucked up to even know anymore…"

Another long look and then Schuldich crossed the space that separated them, carefully draping an arm over Youji's shoulders.  At first the blond tensed… then relaxed, laying his head on the telepath's arm.  "Come home…"  The redhead murmured.

**_My only hope (All the times I've tried)_**

**_My only peace (To walk away from you)_**

**_My only joy, My only strength, (I fall into your abounding grace)_**

**_My only power, My only life,_**

**_(And love is where I am) My only love._**

Schuldich stood, and then offered a hand to Youji.  "Come home…"  He repeated his plea.  "We can learn together."

**_My only hope (All the times I've tried)_**

**_My only peace (To walk away from you)_**

**_My only joy, My only strength, (I fall into your abounding grace)_**

**_My only power, My only life,_**

**_(And love is where I am) My only love._**

-owari-

AN: Okay… maybe it doesn't really end… but it's a new beginning… yeah… that's it.  This is for Cat, cause she said there wasn't anything to read, and she flatters me by saying mine are the best songfics.  ^____^


	2. Fallen

_**Fallen**_

By Yanagi-sen

WK songfic

Usual disclaimers, they don't belong to me, yadda yadda yadda. Song 'Fallen' is sung by Sarah McLachlan. Sequel to October.

Warnings: mild angst, mild language… that's about it

_**Heaven bend to take my hand  
And lead me through the fire**_

Schuldich stood, and then offered a hand to Youji. "Come home…" The blond just sat there for a moment, looking at the hand offered to him. The redhead repeated his plea. "We can learn together." With a sigh, Youji accepted and allowed the telepath to pull him to his feet. He was so tired. He let Schu pull him down the stairs and out the back door.

_**Be the long awaited answer  
To a long and painful fight  
**_

Fortunately, he had driven; it didn't look like Youji had. He rarely drank when he went out like this; at least, he didn't anymore. He had too many responsibilities waiting for him. He couldn't afford to either have an accident or get arrested. He unlocked the passenger door before walking around to his side. He climbed in and waited. For a moment, he was afraid the blond wasn't going to get in. What would he do if Youji refused now?

The door creaked a bit as it opened and shut. "You should probably get that looked at."

"I know."

_**Truth be told I've tried my best  
But somewhere along the way  
I got caught up in all there was to offer  
And the cost was so much more than I could bear  
**_

The two men were nearly silent for the ride back to the German's apartment. In fact they were nearly there before Youji even ventured to speak. "Is Nagi with you?"

"Yeah."

The blond frowned. "Will he be upset?"

"I doubt he'll even notice till tomorrow."

"Oh." Watching the streetlights flicker across Schu's face, Youji was reminded of the first time he'd ridden in this car. The redhead had picked him up at a club that night too. Only that time they had gone to a fairly decent hotel, one that was clean, yet quiet and didn't ask questions. There had been an edge to that encounter. One of danger and the forbidden, it had been intoxicating because of that.

One time led to another… and another. Until finally they ended up sharing an apartment. It just became too much after a while. Too many lies and half-truths told to his friends. Not to mention a visit from an anal-retentive American with a gun. The cost had simply become more than Youji could handle.

**_Though I've tried, I've fallen..._**

"Youji!"

"Huh?"

He took his eyes off the road for an instant, noting the faraway look in the blonde's eye. "I said if you don't want to do this, I'll just let you out."

"No… no, I can't go any farther down."

His personal vow to not read Youji without permission was getting to him. What was going on in the man's head? "Care to elaborate on that statement?"

"Do you ever feel like you're falling?" His fingers twitched… as if they really wanted another cigarette that wasn't there.

"Check the glove compartment." He sighed. "Every day of my life."

**_I have sunk so low  
I have messed up  
Better I should know  
_**

He put the window down and pulled in a lungful of nicotine-laden smoke. Flicking off the ash, he sighed. "Quitting again is going to be a bitch."

"It always is."

"Hmm." What was he doing, going back to Schu? The others had know last time, of course, and made their displeasure known. Omi and Ken had been worried for him; Ran distrustful of the redhead's motives. He rubbed his temple with his free hand. What the hell was he getting into again?

**_So don't come round here  
And tell me I told you so...  
_**  
He pulled into his parking space and shut off the car. It wasn't the apartment he had shared with Youji before. That one had held too many ghosts, as had the one he had lived in with the rest of Schwarz. After Crawford had taken off, he had found a place for the three of them. Gone where the penthouses and high-class apartment mansions, their new place was in a quieter neighborhood, away from the chaos of the inner reaches of the city. He shut off the car and got out, watching for the blonde's reaction.

"Hmmm… different."

"Yeah."

_**We all begin with good intent  
Love was raw and young  
**_

Had it really only been a few years that they had known each other? It seemed like so much longer. In some ways, Youji felt like he had known Schu all his life. Every time he looked in a mirror. Oh they looked nothing alike, but their eyes… that weariness they carried. They had been cut from the same cloth.

He hadn't had to pretend with Schuldich. The man could see him for who and what he was, and didn't give a damn about it. He had actually relaxed, before the censure of his team and Crawford had tarnished what they had.

In the end there had only been great sex… and that hadn't been enough.

**_We believed that we could change ourselves  
The past could be undone  
_**

He welcomed Youji inside, ushering him straight up the stairs. He pointed to the door at the end of the narrow hallway. "Nagi." Then pulled the blond into the room at the head of the steps. "There is a small bathroom on this floor too if you need it?" Youji shook his head. Schu sighed, he was getting a headache. The more he tried to change… the more things seemed the same.

"Look… what's behind us stays behind us, okay? I want to start with a clean slate."

One eye brow rose in response. "But what about Schwarz?"

"Did you not hear me before? Crawford's gone… that means there is no more Schwarz!"

_**But we carry on our backs the burden  
Time always reveals  
**_

No Schwarz? But he was still Weiss…wasn't he?

"There is still Weiss…"

The redhead made a disgusted sound, tugging off his shirt and tossing it in the general direction of an overflowing hamper in the corner. "There is ALWAYS Weiss… tell me… is your Omiitchi disillusioned with the mantle of Persia yet?"

"How did you know?" The look Schu gave him spoke volumes. Mostly along the lines of 'how do you think, dumbass?' "oh."

"Yeah, oh." He flopped back on the bed. "you know, Youji… I'm really tired of everything being black and white. Haven't you realized by now that life is an endless expanse of gray?"

_**The lonely light of morning  
The wound that would not heal  
**_

He just HAD to bring up Schwarz and Weiss, didn't he? Couldn't he just let it go, just for one night? It was like the gaping void that split the two of them. Until they found a way to bridge it, they would never move forward.

"You said you were tired of it all…"

"Yeah."

"So don't you think it's time you retired?"

_**It's the bitter taste of losing everything  
That I have held so dear.  
**_

Retire? Was Schu serious? How could he retire when Weiss was still active? How could he sleep at night knowing that Bombay, Siberian, and Abyssinian were going out to fight the darkness without Balinese? How could he stay back knowing that his friends… no his family might never come home?

"Yotan… look at yourself. Really LOOK. Are you serving them? Are you really the Balinese you were a few years ago? Are you still as quick? As strong? As good of aim?"

Was he? Or was he a liability now? Was HE to be the reason the others don't make it home? It was a bitter realization to have to swallow.

**_I've fallen...  
I have sunk so low  
I have messed up  
Better I should know  
_**

"Come on… at least sit down." Schu got up and tugged him over towards the bed, getting him to sit down. "Youji… we're all getting older. We slow down, we get tired. We start to make more mistakes, more dangerous mistakes. Do they treat you a little differently now?"

He had messed up. He'd made mistakes, nothing that had gotten anyone injured or killed… yet. But it was coming. It was coming and they knew it. He knew it. "yeah…"

"Do they leave you outside to keep guard? Do you drive the vehicle? Do surveillance?"

That was exactly what he'd been doing lately. Omi told him he trusted the blonde's eyes and judgment. But maybe it wasn't just that. Maybe Omi didn't trust him not to make a deadly mistake if he did go in. "How did you know?"

"What do you think I'm doing now?"

"You said you worked for the Yakuza."

"Yeah, but not the way I used to. Oh, I still kill sometimes, but usually with my mind or my gun. I don't do that hand-to-hand shit anymore."

Youji sat there, thinking. "I should talk with Omi." He should find out where he stood. And maybe… maybe it was time to retire from the field.

_**So don't come round here  
And tell me I told you so...  
**_

"Well, you're not going to do that tonight. So what do you want?"

He shook his head. "I don't know… I just don't know."

_**Heaven bend to take my hand  
Nowhere left to turn  
I'm lost to those I thought were friends  
To everyone I know  
**_

The redhead sighed. He stood up and bent over, grabbing the hem of the blonde's shirt. "Arms up…" He tugged off the tight shirt, tossing them onto that pile of clothing threatening to overtake the hamper. "You going to sleep in those pants or take them off?"

Youji shrugged, staring at his bare feet. "I'm not wearing underwear."

"What else is new? You can borrow some sweatpants or boxers if you want."

"Okay…"

The redhead nodded and rummaged in a drawer, he tossed a pair of sweatpants at Youji. "Change… then we're going to sleep. We'll deal with everything tomorrow." He grabbed another pair of pants for himself and disappeared out the door.

Youji changed then sat back down on the edge of the bed. His fingered laced through his hair, tugging on it. What was he going to do? If he retired what could he do? He didn't want a desk job at Kritiker; he'd go crazy in a couple weeks. He didn't want some kind of pity work that Omi could find for him. Where was he going to go?

**_Oh they turn their heads embarrassed  
Pretend that they don't see  
But it's one missed step  
One slip before you know it  
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed  
_**

So many things fell into place. They'd been protecting him lately. Making things easier for the 'old man'. The little mistakes were adding up. But none of them wanted to be the one to tell him he had to step down. That he should step down. They were pretending they weren't seeing it. It was time.

If he didn't step away… he would end up dead. Or worse yet, killing one of those he so wanted to protect.

_**Though I've tried, I've fallen...  
I have sunk so low  
I have messed up  
Better I should know  
**_

There was a tap and the redhead poked his head around the door. "Can I come in?"

"It's your room."

"Yeah, but you're thinking pretty hard."

"I thought you didn't read me."

"I try not to… but you're practically shouting."

"oh…"

"Yeah… So do you want to be alone? I can sleep on the couch."

Youji shook his head. "I don't want to be alone." The redhead nodded and came back in, shutting the door. He turned off the light and found his way over to the bed in the near blackness.

"Either shift over or let me get into the bed. I'm damn tired and I want to sleep."

"We're not going to…?"

"Neither one of us is in the mood."

_**So don't come round here  
And tell me I told you so...  
**_

In a way, that was a comfort. Youji had been a little afraid that had been the only reason the telepath had brought him here. He lay down and shifted over to be against the wall. Schuldich climbed into the bed as well, he tugged the sheets and blankets over them both and settled in, back to Youji. The blond stared at the back of the man's head for a little while, debating on whether he could get closer or not.

"Go ahead… I don't mind."

Youji spooned up behind the redhead, wrapping an arm around the German's hips. Schu took his hand, holding the blonde's arm against his chest. His breathing evened out quickly as he fell asleep. Youji lay there for a long time, thinking.

**_Though I've tried, I've fallen...  
I have sunk so low  
I have messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come round here  
And tell me I told you so..._**

owari-

Still not finished of course… I can never do these story arcs in only a couple songfics… What does an assassin do when he's getting older? Thanks again to Cat for prodding me to do the first in this series; I hope she likes this one too! -Yanagi


	3. Daylight

_**Daylight**_

By Yanagi-sen

WK songfic

Usual disclaimers apply. Sequel to October and Fallen. Song 'Daylight' is by Better Than Ezra.

Warnings: one long introspective monologue, so don't expect linear thought and watch out for the tangents along the way; language, mild self angsting

Dedicated to a friend who passed away at the beginning of December. She wasn't into anime, but did write fanfiction, and was one of the most intimidating people I have ever met. She just had this presence and if you deserved it, she wasn't afraid to let you have it. She was wise and strong and will be deeply missed. This one is for you Ms. P.

_**You're a long walk in a rain storm**_

He could hear the rain when he woke. A steady pat-pat against the window that was usually soothing and generally would lull him back into sleep. But not this morning. No, this morning there was too much going on in his head to allow him the luxury of falling back asleep. And for once, the thoughts in his head were actually his own.

_**You're a cut that refuses to heal**_

Youji was still asleep, curled around him, one arm flung over the redhead's waist. The blonde's breath was warm on the back of his neck. He didn't think they had moved at all during the night. Well, during the few hours they had been asleep, they'd been up for a large part of the night. 6:24… the red numbers of his clock shone brightly, mocking him. He hadn't woken this early in… well, a long time. It must have been after two before they had gotten to sleep, so why the hell was he awake?

_**You're a dull ache that I can't shake**_

He half considered waking Youji up, at least enough to climb out of bed… but just didn't have the heart. Okay, to be honest he really just didn't have the energy to be up yet. Didn't have the energy and didn't have the desire. The air of the room felt chilly, not a surprise with the rain outside. The blankets and Youji created this nice warm cocoon that he was loathe to leave. He groaned softly at the twinge in his back and knee. The damp air did it to him every time. Of course, the unaccustomed sleeping position had nothing to do with it either.

_**You're a cold that's clogging up my head**_

He drummed his fingers under the blanket. Why was he awake? Being in close physical contact was drowning out everyone else's thoughts, and Youji was sleeping deeply enough that he wasn't dreaming. He was alone in his own head for the first time in months. He didn't like it at all.

He was so used to letting everyone else's thoughts drown out his own so he didn't have to think. He didn't like thinking. Brad used to say he didn't think enough. Damn bastard… it was all his fault anyway. He was a creature of instinct. He didn't mind thinking to plan or to complete essential tasks like driving; it was this echoing loneliness inside his head that he didn't want to deal with. Was this what it was like for mundanes all the time? If it was, he was damn glad he wasn't normal to begin with.

_**Or a broke watch keeping time still**_

6:33. This sucked, big time. Here he was, lying awake, trying not to think about things he didn't want think about. Meanwhile, Youji was slumbering away behind him. And he just didn't want to possibly wake the man up to go take a shower or make coffee. He really was getting soft.

Youji… the man was messed. Just look at him. His eyes fell on the assassin's watch, carelessly tossed on the bed table. He noted absently that it had stopped. The battery must be dead. Why hadn't Youji gotten it changed? Or was thing finally broken? He wouldn't be surprised. In all the time he'd known him, the blond had been using the same watch. Was it just that Youji couldn't give it up? Like the gun he still kept in the drawer.

**_Till you pull me in pull me in / And I can't fight _**

The gun… Brad had given him that gun. He should have dropped it in the bay when the bastard took off. But over time… the gun had become less something the American had gifted him with and more a part of himself. He'd carried it on him ever since. Well, for as long as they were Schwarz anyway. He didn't carry it all the time anymore. He'd gotten a newer one, smaller, easier to hide. He didn't have Schwarz's or Esset's resources if he got caught. And with Nagi around he couldn't afford to get thrown in jail or worse, deported.

Why hadn't he just packed them up and followed Braddy to America? He was sure the man would have found a way to use them. Maybe that was the thing, use them. Brad Crawford used people. And when they weren't very useful anymore…

He sighed, the sound only softly competing with the rattle of the rain. It was pointless to dwell on that any longer. Brad… Esset… Schwarz… they were behind him now. So what was ahead?

**_If the night is cold / And you're feeling old_**

What do assassins do when they start getting older? Not that he was OLD by any means… but he had been telling the truth the night before. They were slowing down. He had the advantage of his telepathy, but even that changed with time. Most Esset telepaths were dead by the age of 30. There was the natural death toll for field agents, but aside from the attrition rate… Many simply reached the point where they could no longer deal with the voices in their heads. They either went insane or took their own lives after that.

_**And the morning cuts you / Like a knife**_

So where was he headed? He was one of the most powerful telepaths Esset had turned out in the last century, but how did that bode for his continued stability? He snorted, just barely containing the self-depreciating laugh that wanted to come out. Stability? Him! Yeah right, he was about as stable as Nagi was social.

He had phenomenal shields, but the strain of maintaining them day after day, year after year; was wearing. The best telepaths, the longest-lived, had someone to help shoulder that strain. Someone with whom they felt secure enough to relax and allow the gentle melding of minds to shore up battered walls. He thought he had found that with Brad…

He'd been wrong.

**_And you're wearing thin / Feel you're giving in_**

Is that why he was clinging to Youji now? Not physically clinging, that was the blonde's job this morning apparently, but mentally grasping. Youji was only the second person to really allow this kind of… bonding for lack of a better word. Bonding… yeah, they had 'bonded' all right. A few months of damn good sex made for great bonding. Sharing the apartment, while it had lasted, had been… well, nice. Someone to wake up to, to talk WITH not just to, someone to share space with in a way that wasn't like you were doing them a favor. Or they were doing one for you.

What did it say about him that he was crawling back into that again?

**_In the darkest hour of the night / You find daylight_**

6:55. And it was still fairly dark out, stupid winter. Yeah yeah… it wasn't officially winter but the days were shorter, colder, and the weather sucked. It was winter.

He remembered winter in Germany… a little. The snow. The crispness to the air. The cold… damn was it cold. He didn't like being cold. At least it didn't snow as much in Tokyo.

Why was he waiting for dawn so intently? Was it some kind of turning point, when it would be okay to risk waking up Youji to get some coffee? He didn't really want the coffee. He wanted sleep but that wasn't going to happen, once he was awake, he was awake. Stupid brain, not letting him sleep. He just wanted away from the blond so the other voices would come flooding back in to keep him distracted. Then he wouldn't have to think.

_**You're a stalled car in the desert**_

His thoughts just kept circling, coming right back to where he didn't want them to be. Youji. Why was the man such an infuriating source of aggravation? They really had no obligations to each other. There was nothing tying them except… except… damn!

_**You're a song I can't get off my mind**_

He'd let Youji in so deeply, that he'd managed to tie their minds together. Not a lot, but it didn't take a lot for a telepath like him. The blond had become one of his anchors, and with Braddy-boy ripping his right out at the roots, he'd been grasping for something to shift and take his place. Apparently his mind had settled on Youji as an acceptable substitute.

Fuck fuck FUCK! He didn't want that! Well, the fucking would be nice… But he didn't want to be depending on anyone like that again. The more he depended on others for his stability, ha-ha… the less he was able to maintain that himself. That was one reason he refused to just cut Nagi loose. Before, if the boy had been this much deadweight Brad would have either returned him to Esset's 'loving care', or just shot the teen himself. But now… well, aside from the fact that Nagi was like a little brother, he was also an anchor. The only one he'd had left.

But here was Youji too… and the blond was circling around in his head like one of those really annoying tunes that gets stuck in there.

**_And in a dire strait / With no hope at all in sight_**

7:07. Still dark… still raining… still cold. Yup… nothing had changed. He stiffened slightly as Youji moved a bit behind him. But the man just snuggled closer, arm tightening around his chest for a moment before relaxing again. He snickered. He'd forgotten how cuddly Youji could be. The man was like a leech… okay that was a little rude… like an octopus then, all arms and legs wrapping around. Octopus, still not too flattering. At least it had some intelligence. They could learn and reason; simply, but they could think. Better than most of the junk that came out of sea. He couldn't stand to go to restaurants where they had tanks of live things to cook. If he was eating seafood, it had to be dead, preferably prepared in a way that he couldn't see its original form.

There really was no hope for him. He had Youji back in his bed, and wouldn't be able to let him go again. But what would the man do? He couldn't tell the blond how to live his life and what to do with it. If Youji felt that he HAD to return to Weiss… who was he to tell him not to do that? He'd spent years getting to the point where no one could tell him what to do. And now was he going to turn around and dictate things to someone else? How hypocritical was that?

**_You come rushing in rushing in / With a lifeline_**

But he needed Youji. THERE… he admitted it, was his mind happy now? It was 7:14, could he go back to sleep?

Guess not. But he did need Youji. The blond understood him in a way few had ever managed before. And there was the fact that he was almost as screwed up as the telepath himself.

**_Pull me closer to your breast / I need you finally I confess_**

There was comfort in the admission. Comfort in realizing that being alone the way he had been, was not working. Youji wasn't awake to share in this realization, and might never know of it. But by being here, this morning… this DAMNED too early morning; the blond had caused him to think things through. Shit… now he owed Youji another one.

**_I'm drifting I'm drifting / I love you but I hate you too_**

7:21. Weren't epiphanies supposed to be marked with some kind of glowing light? Choruses of ethereal voices singing? With someone who was awake enough to appreciate it!

Yotan, was a right bastard at times. Not as much as Crawfish, but then, no one could compete with him in that regard. He'd been awake for nearly an hour now. An hour alone with his thoughts, he hadn't done this much thinking in… probably years. It couldn't be good for him.

**_God only knows what I could do / I'm drifting I'm drifting_**

So, what now? What for a pair of not-quite-middle aged assassins? Was there some kind of assassin retirement village on a tropical island somewhere? Actually, a vacation wouldn't be a bad idea. If Youji really did decide to tell Weiss to shove it… they should celebrate. Drag Nagi out of his room before his skin became that shade permanently; visit some tropical place where they serve drinks at 10 am with those little umbrellas. Got to have the little umbrellas.

They could rent one of those beach bungalows and a boat. Not a motor boat, one you had to paddle, and go out on the water. Had to get one large enough that they could lay down and just float. Okay, maybe a motor, cause paddling back didn't sound like that much fun, but some drifting was a good idea. Maybe even some other 'activities'.

Money wasn't an issue. He'd scrimped and saved the entire time he'd been with Esset. He knew Nagi didn't have much to spend his money on. Besides, the kid used to practice hacking with the world banking system; he probably had more money squirreled away than anyone knew about.

_**Come on give me one reason**_

So a vacation. But it all hinged on what Yotan decided. He knew the man wouldn't be content to do nothing for the rest of his life. He may pretend to be lazy, and on occasion was, but he needed to be doing something with that active mind of his. The only reason the blond was lazy was because he didn't get enough rest from their work. And then to have to mind the flower shop too! That was a silly cover. Esset never required them to do anything but their primary job. In theory, that ensured that they were rested and fit for their assignments. But Kritiker forced most of it's operatives to lead double-lives. How stressful was that? It would be better for Yotan to get out of that circus.

_**Come on find me in daylight**_

Wakey wakey, Yotan. I can't tell you about all my wonderful plans if you're snoozing away the day. Yeah right… it's all of 7:33, I don't even think it IS day yet. Okay, maybe the light is increasing. Yippee… but you gotta wake up.

**_If the night is cold / And you're feeling old_**

Warm sun, sleeping till… whenever. Sand, surf… this idea was sounding better and better. He hated winter, so they would go where there was no winter. They would rest up and maybe Youji wouldn't look so thin and tired. Maybe the aches and pains would vanish as well. They were both scarred, inside and out. They were run down, he could feel it sure as he could feel the man's arm wrapped around him. Which brought to mind another problem.

**_And the morning cuts you / Like a knife_**

7:39 and light was finally struggling its way in through the window. He had forgotten to pull the curtains the night before so the rainy, gray glimmer of dawn was… not pouring in since it was raining, but slithering in. Like a snake. He was damn poetic this morning. Definitely not enough sleep.

**_And you're wearing thin / Feel you're giving in_**

Okay… that's it… he wasn't going to wait any longer. He had to use the bathroom, wanted a cup of coffee and a cigarette, although the latter wasn't going to happen. He was going to have to risk waking Yotan. His fingers threaded through the other man's and he lifted the hand enough to kiss the back of the blonde's knuckles.

7:48. "sorry, Yotan."

**_In the darkest hour of the night / You find daylight_**

"That's okay, I was awake."

_**You'll find daylight**_

-owari-

AN: Hmmm… interesting, really didn't have a clear idea where this one was going to go beyond, 'Schu, awake in bed, thinking'. The time stamps came as I was actually writing, I'd get to that point and look at the clock and whatever time it was, that's what I wrote in. So yes, I did write this in about an hour and a half.


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